Sadie's developmental profile

(yeah, I know...she's pretty cute huh?)

If you've been following along, you'll note that last week Sadie met her new DDD coordinator (this is the state program that will pay for all her therapies) and she met a developmental psychologist named Dr. Blackham, who evaluated Sadie's development to see where she really is as far as delays. Both of these meetings went really well.

Annie is our DDD coordinator and she got to see the best of Sadie. No screaming, no whining, just happy baby playing on the floor and allowing mommy and Annie to talk. Annie gave me a list of different places to call who do therapies at home (because that really is our preference) and I started calling immediately. She had a lot of good advice, and even has a daughter who is in DDD for developmental delays, so she really knows the ropes. I really liked Annie and I think she'll be a good resource and a great help on our journey through the system.

The next morning we saw Dr. Blackham. She is with PCH (Phoenix Children's Hospital) and much of her evaluation was for the purposes of the study Sadie is enrolled in. When Sadie was officially considered a graduate of the NICU, Dr. Carballo (the neonatologist who's in charge of this cooling therapy at PCH) asked us to be part of a follow-up study that will watch Sadie until she's like 18 or 21 or something. She will get regular evals on her development, and they'll gain records of all her pediatrician, neurologist, and therapy appointments. It's actually pretty cool that we're involved in this and that we were lucky enough to receive this cutting edge treatment.

Dr. Blackham sent me some paperwork in the mail to fill out before our appointment regarding Sadie's development in certain areas, specifically her sensory development. She called today with the results/scores of these profiles (combined with the tests she also did there in her office that morning). We didn't really learn anything new, we kind of already had an idea of everything she told us. However, it's interesting to nail it down, have our suspicions medically supported, and have a clearer path toward what needs to be worked on through therapies.

Sadie's lowest area of development is her motor skills. This is the area of the brain they told us in the hospital had the most damage. For her fine motor skills, Sadie's development is equivalent to a 1 month old. This is largely due to the fists. She can't grab and hold on to things because her hands are always in fists. On her gross motor skills, she was evaluated at 3 months 10 days. That's not bad, only a month behind. Sadie has an appointment Thursday June 17 to be evaluated with an occupational therapist. OT is going to really be good for Sadie, get those hands open and start grabbing and holding on to things!

Sadie's cognitive development was evaluated as borderline. Dr. Blackham said she's in the average/low average range, but this is largely due to the fists. In this area she's also at 3 months 10 days. But as soon as we get those fists open and those hands doing stuff, this area will jump tremendously, I imagine. That makes me really happy! We have a very strong, smart girl on our hands!!

Dr. Blackham's evaluation confirmed the area I indicated that I thought was her strongest, her language skills. Sadie communicates really well...sometimes too well! Her score was age appropriate and her expressive language, meaning the sounds she makes is the same as a 5 month old (woo-hoo!), while her receptive, how she reacts to sounds is at 4 months 10 days (Sadie was 4 months and 16 days at the time of this appointment).

Sadie's adaptive behavior evaluated 4 different areas and she fell just slightly below her age level in all areas, except her language, which was right on target.

Now here's the interesting part, Sadie's sensory profile scores. Sadie is highly sensitive to sensory input and therefore more reactive than a normal baby to what's going on around her. (duh) This is why she screams in the car. This is why moving her to her own room at night was such a disaster. This is why she won't nap! The evaluation said that she has a low threshold for sensory input. This is the reason for her fussiness and why she tends to overreact sooner than other babies her age (I SURE hope she grows out of that before she's 10!) Because she's so sensitive to the slightest changes, Dr. Blackham said it's more important than ever to have her on a schedule. She said most babies need a schedule, but for Sadie, it's absolutely necessary for the well-being of our household. This means either 1. we go down for a nap at the SAME TIME everyday, or 2. we just make sure there is the same amount of time between naps. I think it also might be beneficial to start our day the same way every morning, so instead of just doing my C25K every other day, we'll go for walks on the in-between days. I also need to establish a nap-time routine that we can start 20-30 minutes before each nap time. Any ideas? I'm thinking read a book (maybe even the same one everyday), listen to some music, lay down together, etc. Dr. Blackham mentioned that therapies will help her to regulate herself and ultimately help her sleep. I am also toying with an idea about taking her for a SHORT car ride everyday at the same time to keep with the schedule and to slowly introduce the stimulation of the car. Any ideas on that?

Sadie also has an evaluation with a speech therapist next week. At her age, speech therapy is focused on feeding. I am really hoping that with some work, Sadie will learn to take a bottle and a pacifier. The pacifier is important because she really likes to suck herself to sleep. If she can use a pacifier instead of me, this might give me a break. Keep that on your prayer lists too!

Overall, I think Sadie is doing remarkably well. She's definitely doing MUCH better than we ever thought in the beginning!! Looks like our baby is going to be just fine. We'll start her therapies next week (hopefully a physical therapist calls me soon), and by the next evaluation we'll see some improvement in her motor skills and (praying with fingers crossed!) in her sensory development!

PS. Sadie LOVES the pool!! Check out the video of her going under water!

C25K week 1

I started a running program today with Anna. We both had babies recently (me in January, her in March) and we're both breastfeeding. When you're breastfeeding, it's important that you eat enough calories for your body to keep up its milk production, so when trying to lose weight, you don't want to do it by cutting calories. Instead, Anna decided she should start an exercise program. She found this running program called "Couch to 5K" which is designed so that even the most out of shape person can, in 9-10 weeks, successfully run a 5K. She told me about her plan and I decided to join her in this endeavour.

I've always liked running, just never been any good at it. Maybe I didn't know how to start and got burnt out and discouraged easily. I too could lose a little baby weight (although I think it's more about toning for me at this point). If we do it together, there's a better chance of success...I have a hard time finishing what I've started. And I believe when it comes to exercise, Anna is the only person who is the same amount of out of shape as I am, so we're starting from the same place working toward the same goal. Although, now that we've both done the first workout, I realize that I'm probably the most out of shape person I know!

The first week of workouts in this program is 3 times a week. You warm up with a walk for 5 minutes, then alternate 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes, then you cool down with another walk. I got on the ball and made a podcast of 1. Beatles songs, and 2. Ben Folds songs complete with bells indicating the times to run and walk. I had no idea what to expect, but I figured the program IS DESIGNED for people like me who aren't in good shape so that we can be successful. Besides, what do I have to lose?

Anna started last night due to a scheduling conflict and the weather and when I talked to her she gave me a little more confidence by telling me she felt like the 60 seconds of running were really easy and short and the 90 seconds of walking were really long. She said it was pretty easy. So, I went to bed confident that I would be empowered and full of confidence at the end of my workout in the morning. And before I knew it, I'd be off to running my 5K with no problem at all!

It's probably important to note that Anna lives in Oregon where it's NOT over 100 degrees daily. And when I went running this morning, I took Sadie and was pushing the stroller.

It was so much harder than I anticipated! I literally wouldn't have made it if I had even one more running interval. The last 90 seconds of walking, I think I spent 60 of it with my head below my heart, trying not to pass out. I went as soon as I woke up, but it was already 7:30, so I'm sure it was over 80 degrees outside! But I DID run all the intervals...they just took me all the way to my limit. I just might need to do week 1 twice :)

So, readers, what do you think? Should I push through or should I go for week 1 twice? And who wants to join us and do the C25K themselves?

Sleep Log: Day 12

Here's a little run down since my last sleep post...

Nap score: Sadie-13, Mommy-2

Bedtime score: Sadie-5, Mommy-10

Clearly Sadie is winning this battle...that needs to change.

Why is Sadie's score so high for naps? Because, while Dr. Sears's way of doing things works great at bedtime, it's not so great for nap time. Dr. Sears says to wear your baby to sleep, nurse your baby to sleep, or lay down with your baby until he/she is SOUND asleep and won't wake up when moved. Then and only then should you lay him/her down. And, while this works great at night (which may or may not be due to her medicine right at bedtime), during the day, Sadie will fall asleep nursing, but wake up as soon as I attempt to move. So naps have only been happening with me holding her, sitting still, and even then 45 min at the most. While this has allowed me to watch the first two seasons of Dexter on Netflix, it's not a good long-term plan! Sadie has to be able to nap unassisted and for longer than 45 minutes! Yet, I had no idea how to change this. Stay tuned for my new plan...more on it later.

Sadie's nighttime score wouldn't be so high, except we recently tried to move her into her own bedroom. This ended in a disaster. The first night went okay, with mild sleep regressions. The second night, she wouldn't go down and ended up sleeping with me. The third night I was at the end of my rope and out of desperation tried to "cry it out." This was horrible (just like everyone said it'd be), and ended in Sadie being drugged to sleep (don't worry, it's prescribed and only used in emergencies) finally at 2:00am. The next morning, we had to get her up to go to a dr. appointment, and she was so tired, she actually fell asleep in the car on the way home!! Then slept for another 3 hours!!*

A friend, seeing my desperation and frustration on facebook, let me borrow her book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Weissbluth. I immediately began to devour this book, which luckily, is focused on nap time.



Dr. Weissbluth says that in order for your child to learn and grow, he/she needs adequate sleep! He also says that child sleep problems lead to depression in moms! I haven't finished reading Dr. Weissbluth's theories and ideas, but we've already started his program.

The biggest component of this sleep program is that your baby should be awake for no more than 2 hours at a time between naps (at Sadie's age...of course as babies get older they can handle more awake time). He says baby should wake up in the morning between 6am and 8am, then about 60-90 minutes after waking, start putting them down for a nap. Putting them down for a nap includes 10-20 minutes of a soothing activity (ie. recreational nursing, bouncing, rocking, lullabys, etc), then whether baby is asleep or not, lay them in their bed. If baby wakes up, let him/her cry for whatever designated time you determine BEFORE they start crying. Never longer than an hour. If baby is still crying at the end of the designated time, go get them, soothe them and start over again. If by the second time baby still isn't napping, keep them up until the next nap time rolls around...or for two more hours. Eventually, baby is 1. going to be tired enough to sleep when you put them in their bed (Dr. Weissbluth hasn't met my daughter, apparently!), and 2. learn that when this routine starts, it should end in sleep.

Of course he has a chapter for extremely fussy or colicky babies that I haven't read yet...but so far Sadie is winning this one too. We've done this for one day and I've gotten her to nap one time. She will literally fall asleep in the bouncer or nursing, then as soon as I move her she'll wake up, and she hasn't quite learned yet how to soothe herself back to sleep. I've tried music during the soothing activity, then carrying the music over to when I lay her down, doesn't work. I've tried making her really tired during awake time, doesn't work. Eventually she will get it, I think the key is to be consistent, and continuing the same routine at nap times.

For now I'm still pretty tired, but there is some relief knowing that she WILL sleep at night and so will I before we start it all over again! And I hope it doesn't take TOO long, because I've got lot's of fun sewing projects waiting for me!

*After discussion with the doctor, it was determined that Sadie has very strong auditory skills, while she is behind visually (it was the developmental psychologist we saw!), so when we moved her to her own room, she could no longer hear our sleeping noises, instead there were new noises and it was scary and lonely. This is why she couldn't sleep in her room...plus it was a different bed. So, we're going to try to slowly move the pack 'n play farther and farther away from our bedroom until it's in her own room, THEN we'll try again to put her in her crib in her room. It may be a little less shocking that way. Needless to say, Sadie is back in our room in the pack 'n play and she's back to sleeping 10-12 hours perfectly happy!

A hug from mom can save the day

Recently we've been having a lot of stress in our home. Sadie doesn't like to nap. Trying to move Sadie into her own room has caused some sleep regressions. Mommy and Daddy don't get enough sleep. Car screaming leading to hermit-like tendencies and cabin fever. And we've even had a couple of not-feel-so-good days, I think (it's hard to tell when they're this little sometimes exactly why they're crying!). The hardest part is trying to get Sadie to calm down in my arms when I'm stressed too, or getting Sadie to sleep soundly when I am anxious to have some time to myself. I've also noticed that it's hard to calm her down when we go somewhere because she probably feels my stress from being in the car with a screaming baby, so it's helpful if we're meeting someone for them to immediately take her and calm her down. Brian mentioned to me in the middle of the night when Sadie WASN'T sleeping, but screaming instead (not a good time to have this conversation with me, I might add), that she's not going to calm down until I calm down. That's really hard to do though when it's 1:00am and I've been fighting her to go to sleep since 7:15!! Oddly enough, this article came to his email inbox the NEXT MORNING from WebMD. You can read the entire thing by clicking the link, but I will recap basically what it says and what that means for our household and me, specifically.

The article talks about a study done with mothers and daughters regarding the stress hormone, cortisol, and it's antithesis, oxytocin (which they refer to as the "cuddle hormone"). What they did in this study is take a bunch of girls and stress them out, either by asking them to do complicated math problems in front of an audience, or asking them to give a speech to a group of strangers. Then they tested their saliva for cortisol. As you can imagine, it was through the roof!! After they got them all stressed out, they took a third and let them get a nice, long hug from mom, another third talked to mom on the phone, and a final third watched a film that was emotionally neutral. Then they tested again, but this time for both hormones.

The findings reported that physical touch calmed these girls down immediately, a conversation on the phone with mom caused cortisol levels to also drop pretty quickly, but the ones who watched the movie showed not much change at all (wouldn't you hate to be in that group?! Just thinking about those girls stresses me out!! ha!). These results seemed to be huge for scientists because up until now, they thought oxytocin was only released through physical touch/physical bonding. Now they can see that just talking to mom on the phone, hearing her voice, helps with stress.

So what? So, I have a baby with a high stress level...which could or could not be due to her brain injury, because I tend to also get stressed out easily too. This is the way I've always been. I remember having anxiety attacks when I was in elementary school...maybe having me talk to my mom on the phone was the best thing they could do for me at that time! The school nurse thought I needed to be scolded back into behaving and that's probably why she called my mom, little did she know that I maybe just needed mom to tell me everything's gonna be all right. In fact, I often tell Brian I just need a hug (I know he's not my mom, but it still helps) or to be told it's all going to be okay. So, my baby may have just inherited this personality trait from me, who knows. The fact is that she needs ME to NOT be stressed out when she is (easier said than done) so that when we touch our cortisol levels can decrease and our oxytocin levels increase.

Nursing is a really good way to do this. When you have a baby, it's the hormone, oxytocin, that your body creates to help your uterus contract. And that's why it's so important to have that skin to skin contact and nursing contact right away, so that more oxytocin is released, causing you to birth the placenta. That skin to skin and nursing also creates that bonding with your baby, which is a result of the oxytocin in baby and mama. Nursing is also important those first few weeks post partum because the release of the oxytocin helps to shrink your uterus. So, I don't know about other moms, but when my baby is crying, my first instinct is to nurse her. I think I instinctively know that nursing releases that "cuddle hormone" and calms me and my baby down. It's not always about eating.


Another thing I realized by reading this article is that, especially through this stressful time in my life, is that it's important to talk to my mom. I've been in a habit of calling my mom anyway almost everyday, but now more than ever, I need to hear her voice. Recently, my mom got a webcam and we've been using skype...even better, right? Just hearing her tell me she wishes she could be here, it'll get better, she would give me a hug if she could, she loves me, etc. seems to make things much better...now I have science to back up what I already knew was true!

So, what does this mean for you? Hug your mom (if she lives nearby and you can just go visit her) or call her on the phone...especially if you're feeling stressed out. Hug your children, especially your daughters. Nurse your babies for as long as you can. And don't ever let anybody tell you you're spoiling your children by comforting them when they're upset!

Life's silly lessons: celery

Brian's first post...

This is our harvest season. Right before it gets too hot and all of our plants burn up. We tried some new items this year - including celery. We didn't know anything about growing celery; most importantly when to harvest.

This was our celery.


We called Karl, who was a farmer, and he explained that we had to pull the celery from the roots, clean the roots and then trim the plant as necessary. It took me 5 minutes of prying around the roots with a spade to finally get the thing up. Our table is 4 feet in diameter.

It was so overgrown, full of dirt, and deposits of insects that Christie did not allow me to clean it inside. So it was cleaned outside.

All of the larger stalks were as big a round as a silver dollar. We could only use new growth and chutes from the main growth.

We learned that celery that is too mature tends to be very tough and stringy. We have what seems like an infinity of tough and stringy celery. Grown from our back yard!


I made soup. Christie did not like the tough, stringy celery. It did not soften during cooking. The soup was chalked full of tough, stringy celery. I refused to throw it away and am currently on day 3 of celery and peanut butter for lunch.

What we've learned: celery is salty and especially so due to our highly salted water. We also learned that harvesting at the right time is advantageous. Next year we might skip the celery.

Special Needs Families

More than once Brian has mentioned that families with special needs kids seem to just have something about them that shines. It's almost that they know a secret about life that others don't...a good secret, that is, one that gives them a twinkle in their eye. When Brian says this, I don't think it's him trying to make himself feel better about what happened to Sadie and the fact that our life is forever changed, it's more like he's excited to be part of this club and learn their secret. It almost feels like he's excited for this journey of life as a family with a special needs kid because he can then be the one who shines.

So I started thinking about families I know (have known) who have children with extra challenges. And, although I can think of unhappy times or serious struggles these families have gone through, some even ending in divorce, it's their optimism and love for each other that stands out most in my mind. I don't think it's something these families consciously think about doing, I'm not even sure they see the twinkle when they look in the mirror. I think it's a necessity, sometimes when things seem bleak, you have to force yourself to smile through it, to find the bright side. Before you know it you've created a habit...a good habit. These families have been refined in the fire and come out as shiny gold.

I've always looked at the parents of special needs children and admired them for their optimism. To me it would just be so sad all the time, so hard all the time, so much work all the time that I could never imagine enjoying it. But now it's MY CHILD. It's the baby that I carried in my tummy for 10 months. It's my daughter whose eyes look at my face like I am the greatest most interesting thing she's ever seen. And I DO enjoy it. I enjoy when I see those rare smiles, I enjoy seeing her roll over, I enjoy bath time, and nap time (boy do I enjoy nap time!), and I even enjoy sitting and bouncing that bouncy seat endlessly for hours. I get excited for little things, like hands not being clenched in fists, or looking at a rattly toy when I shake it outside her vision...things other parents may overlook in the midst of larger developmental milestones. But these are our milestones, and I will cherish them and be excited about them, and work toward that habit of optimism so that one day I will be in the habit of smiling when people ask me about my child. And just maybe, eventually someone will catch that twinkle in my eye and wonder what I'm keeping secret.

Mine and Sadie's homebirth story

Sadie Mae Beck: born 10:24pm 1-19-10 7lbs 14oz 21 inches long

So, my "official" due date was Sunday Jan. 17th. But unofficially we had changed it to Tuesday the 12th. I wanted to HAVE this baby and was very discouraged when she still hadn't come by Sunday. I went to see the midwife Monday morning and she checked me. I was 80% effaced and 3 cm dilated...which was good, I had at least made progress from the check the week before. She stripped my membranes, which just means that she separated my uterus from my cervix to try to stimulate my hormones. They told me if I was really desperate, I could take their caster oil concoction, but I said I wasn't that desperate, yet. :) All day Monday I was crampy and had back pain, but no real contractions.

That night I woke up about 12:40 with contractions and timed them for about an hour, but then fell back asleep. They woke me back up around 4 and I timed them again for an hour, then got up to eat something. I figured I'd better eat now, just in case. But they slowed back down again and I wasn't real hopeful. I called the midwife around 5:45 and she said, keep eating, keep resting, keep drinking, this could go on all day. Around 9:30, Brian sat with me and we timed contractions that were about a minute long and only 2-3 minutes apart. We did this for another hour and then called the midwife back. She said we're doing great and she'd call her partner and let her know.

We soon moved to the bedroom (luckily my mom and uncle had made up the bed with the plastic sheet and stuff before, so that was all ready to go) and at about noon, Nedra, (one of the midwives) came to check me. I was 5 cm dilated and completely effaced. I was not getting any relief between contractions because I was still having horrible back pain, so even though a contraction would be over, I couldn't get comfortable. Nedra thought it might be that my uterus was not in sync, that the bottom was contracting at a different time with the top. So, she put me in some warm water to try to slow things down and jump start them back the right way. Being in the tub felt good for a while, but then I started throwing up. I tried to get in the shower and sit on the ball, but that was worse...so I went back to the bed. Nedra had left to go get some food and said she'd be back later.

Nedra came back around 3:00 and checked me again, then we filled up the birthing tub and I got to sit in that for a while. It was WAY more comfortable than the bathtub! I really liked it a lot actually, someone sat behind me and rubbed my shoulders and stroked my hair while I just tried to relax. The water was very relieving and felt good, but I still had that back pain, and eventually I was really warm because the water was warm and my body was warm from working so hard, so I got out…but not without throwing up again first! It seemed like everytime I got in the water I threw up. I don’t know if it was an equilibrium thing or a temperature thing, or what…but it really sucked. I knew I had no food in my tummy, and I was drinking a drink with electrolytes, but that was coming up. I didn’t want to run out of energy before all this was over!

I got back to the bed and this was the calm before the storm. I actually labored pretty quietly and was able to doze a little between contractions despite the back pain. I was aware of many people in the room, but they were sitting or standing quietly and doing a really good job of not disturbing me. That’s when Mary, the other midwife, showed up, and I believe a lot more people out in the living room of my house. I was very content, in fact, my cat even came and slept right next to me during this time. He was very worried about me and wanted to make sure I was alright. Everyone thought he was amazing, I think so too. After a while, Nedra and Mary checked me again and said I was at 7cm, but they suggested I reposition myself differently. I told them I was more comfortable how I am. They said I wasn’t moving fast enough and asked if they could break my water to move things along, then they wanted me on the yoga ball once that was done. So, I said that was fine. Breaking my water felt good, but when I moved to the labor ball it did NOT feel good. That was probably the most painful part!! I sat on that ball for probably an hour and dilated from 7-9.5cm!! I was yelling and moaning and groaning. My contractions were double peaking, I wasn’t getting any breaks from the pain, everything just hurt. I would yell, “it huuuuuurrrrrrts!” and Nedra would say, “good, we need it to hurt, it’s a good hurt.”

When it was time to check me again, they said I was at 9.5cm. They gave me options, they said I could get back on the ball until I was at 10cm, or I could start pushing and I could push her over that last piece of cervix. Well there was NO WAY I was getting back on that ball!! So, I told them I could push hard and I could get her past that last part of my cervix. And I did, I pushed hard.

Pushing felt good after so much just LABOR. Pushing felt like I was doing something and we were close to having a baby. I pushed on my back for a while, holding my legs. Then they had me pushing on my side, having people help hold my leg. Sometimes they would let me rest for a contraction…yeah right, rest. They checked baby’s heartbeat after each contraction (which was 3-4 pushes) and she was doing great, so I kept going. They wanted to stand me up and have me squat, hanging on to people, to see if gravity could work for me a little and get her moving faster, but then we went back to the bed. On my back seemed to be the best for me. Eventually they made me move to the toilet and I sat backward on the toilet and pushed through 7-10 contractions there before I came back to the bed. By then I was getting tired, and she wasn’t even crowning yet!! I had to get her head past my pubic bone and my tailbone and it was slow going!

There were 5 other people in the room in addition to my midwives and each time I pushed I think they could see her head coming because they’d all go, “oh my gosh!! There she is!” And it felt so good to have them so excited and to know that I was actually making progress. But I wanted to give up. I was tired and I wanted to take a break and come back and finish tomorrow. This was hard, I had nothing in my tummy. I had thrown up again once I started pushing, I didn’t think I could finish this. Then I’d push again and everyone would be so excited that they could see a baby coming and I’d have new hope. Plus, I’d look down at my tummy and I could SEE that she was right there, my pregnant belly was disappearing, and it was the weirdest thing to watch!

Eventually, after 90 minutes we got her crowning and I could feel her head. It was slimy and hairy (she has SO MUCH hair…what they say about heartburn during pregnancy must be true!!) and it was the most encouraging thing to feel. I think at that point I said, “okay, I can do this!” And Mary goes, “you ARE doing it!” And someone else said, “you have no choice at this point!” It got hard though at this point too, because, in order to keep my from tearing my perineum, they had to slowly move her out to stretch me little by little. So, when I wanted to push with all my might and pop her little head out of there, they would tell me medium pushes or small pushes. That was really hard because it hurt and it took a long time. But now that it’s over, and I don’t have a tear, I am grateful and I know it was worth it! At some point during this, Brian moved from behind me to down there so he could “catch” the baby. We wanted his hands down there when she came out. So, my friend Tena moved behind me and was a lifesaver at wiping my face and reminding me to slow down my breathing. She was amazing. And my mom was next to me giving me water or Gatorade after each contraction. It felt like a workout, doing sprints, and not getting enough time to catch my breath before the coach told me to do the next one. And I was a swimmer, so you had to hold your breath for a lot of your next sprint, because you wanted to get back to the wall faster and get more rest, but holding your breath when you’re out of breath is really hard. This is exactly what it was, because you only had so many seconds before the next one came and you had to FORCE yourself to slow down your breathing, and you could only sip a little liquid to keep your mouth moist, otherwise you’d make yourself sick.

When her head came out, they saw the meconium and we all had to be quiet because they didn’t want her startled and to aspirate it in case she hadn’t already. I think it was at this point they started suctioning her. Then I gave one more good push and it was the BEST feeling in the whole world. There was no more pain, there was a baby on my tummy, and I knew it was all over. They went to cut the cord immediately, which was NOT our wishes. We wanted her cord intact until it stopped pulsating, and Brian said something, but the baby was in distress and Mary said to him, “right now, it’s about her and we need her cut.” They still let him cut the cord, but there’s no picture of it, it all happened too fast. Then they took her off my tummy and immediately started working on her.

I laid there feeling awesome, I was on such a high, but my baby was on the floor NOT crying, they were suctioning her mouth, giving her air through a bag valve mask, flicking her feet, anything to get her to cry. Finally (I say finally, but it was like 90 seconds) they called 911. I didn’t know what was happening. I kept asking people if she’s okay and they kept telling me she’ll be fine she just isn’t getting a good breath, so they called an ambulance. All of the sudden there were 10 firemen in my bedroom, I was barely covered up, I hadn’t held my baby (but someone got my glasses and I was able to look at her and talk to her), and they were asking questions and sticking tubes down her throat. They wanted to take me to the hospital, so we had to rush birth of the placenta to prove to them that I’m okay. I felt helpless and clueless. Before I knew it, my baby was gone, my husband was gone, and I knew I had just had a baby, but there was no baby. It didn’t feel real.

After that, we had to fight to NOT get me admitted to the hospital. They took my blood pressure, my pulse, pricked my finger to take my glucose, they asked me a million times how I was feeling, I just kept telling them that I felt great! I mean, I had been in pain for almost 24 hours, and it was over! Mary told me I have to keep refusing, because they’re going to try to get me admitted and I’m fine. So, finally the guy came back after talking to a dr. and asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, I told him no and he made me sign a waiver. Then he made my mother in law sign as a witness saying I understood what I was refusing. They congratulated me and told me how impressed they were, and they were gone.

The goal then was to get me well enough and clean enough to get to the hospital. But I was weak. I couldn’t stand up without fainting. I had been working hard, I had lost a lot of blood, and I was coming down off my high. They gave me some medicine to clot the bleeding and slow it down, then I made it to the tub for some clean-up, but then I laid there for a while because when I tried to get out of the tub I fainted. Eventually, the tub was uncomfortable and I wanted to be in the bed, but again I fainted. I woke up on the floor having no idea how I got there, but it was much more comfortable. We decided I’d get a few hours of sleep and go to the hospital in the morning. My dad stayed with me to make sure I was okay, and Mary slept on the couch so she could help me in the morning to go to the bathroom and make me some food and get me out of the house. It wasn’t a lot of sleep I got that night, but enough that I could make it to the hospital in the morning. By the time we left, I had talked to Brian a couple of times, and a dr. and I knew my baby was not okay and I needed to get to the hospital. I was tired and sore, but I had a wheelchair and I laid down a lot at the hospital.

Everything went so well and it feels good to know I had natural childbirth, no drugs. It’s unbelievable that I did it, I feel so strong and so empowered. My husband thinks the world of me, my friends are impressed with my strength, and my mother (who also had natural childbirths) is so proud that I followed in her footsteps. I did what was best for me and my baby and we fought hard, that little girl and me…but we succeeded.