Yesterday I went to WalMart. Iused to love WalMart...when I lived in Eugene. But there's something about a big city that causes all the riff raff to come out of the wood-work. And they all seem to shop at WalMart. Come on, you've seen those websites of the ridiculous pictures of people taken with camera phones at WalMart. I don't go to WalMart anymore...except that the closest branch of our bank is in the WalMart that is about 2 miles away from our house. So yesterday I went to WalMart.
I don't know if it had to do with the emotions of the week and Sadie's birthday and sad memories, but I started looking at those snotty grungy low-income kids all running around their mom in the motorized wheelchair and I started grieving again for what my child isn't. The thoughts of "it's not fair" started creeping back in. But then it hit me: what in the world would that woman, who can't even walk well enough to get herself around WalMart, do with a baby like Sadie?! And all of the sudden my perspective changed. I realized that it's not about how I got the raw end of the deal, but about what Sadie got out of it.
Sadie got two parents who love her and accept her the way she is. We have the energy to deal with her irritability and her insomnia. We have the means to support ourselves and all of Sadie's needs. We have the intelligence to ask the right questions and find the right people. And we have the support of family and friends who love her even without ever meeting her (or us). All of that isn't fair either...but not in the same way.
So yeah, I still struggle a little with jealousy that my kid can't really use her hands, doesn't self feed, and is nowhere near moving independently from one place to another. But I am thankful that God gave Sadie to us and not someone who couldn't handle her or maybe wouldn't love her as much. And probably for the first time in however many years I've lived in Phoenix, I walked away from WalMart feeling satisfied with my experience there
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Our Second Radio Appearance
This morning I was on a radio show called Rivers of Faith, hosted by Donna Tyson, who is friends with Brian’s Uncle Dave. She has been following Dave’s Facebook re-posts of my updates on Sadie’s progress and development and has even visited our blog to get more information. She contacted me wanting me to share Sadie’s story to inspire and uplift other people who may be dealing with a brand new baby facing a hard diagnosis. I told her I’d love to talk about Sadie, after all, she is the biggest blessing in my life and I want to share our story with the world. This is a good start! Next stop, The Today Show?If you would like to listen, you can find the archives here Rivers of Faith Archives
Friday, January 7, 2011
Walking by Faith
On Fridays, Sadie and I go to the Foundation for Blind Children where they have an infant program. It's 2 hours, from 9-11. For the first hour they set up stations for the kids to experience different things with their hands, there's usually a station with a story, something sensory, etc. then they do music therapy all together in a circle. The second hour the parents get to break off and have a meeting by themselves. This is really why I go.
Sometimes in the parent meeting there are guest speakers, sometimes we learn something related to a vision impairment, sometimes we just talk. Today, we talked. As we went around the table and told about our children and their diagnosis, we were supposed to share something we like about parent meetings and something we'd like to see more of (or less of). It was mentioned many times that we'd like to have some more time to just talk to each other. The thing about Friday mornings is that every minute is used for something. So, if want to just talk to Lara about how we found a respite person, I'd have to stand outside at the end, while both of us hold our children (mine usually screaming) and have the conversation there. It's not ideal.
Once this was brought up (by me, of course), lots of ideas were thrown out: having a shorter music time and a longer meeting, going until 11:15, starting a parent resource group on Facebook, or having a potluck day on a Saturday or something where we can come and just hang out and let our kids play. This last idea is what I want to talk about.
I love coming to The Foundation for Blind Children because there is so much diversity among children. Some only have a visual impairment and are otherwise developing normally, others are like Sadie and have multiple things going on, which usually stem from some kind of birth trauma. Going there was the first time I had really had the opportunity to be around other children with CP, to see how they acted, what their development was like, and to talk to their parents. I came looking for hope, and it's what I find every week when I go. Because Sadie is one of the youngest children who attend, I have the advantage of hearing other parents say, "if we had started when he/she was Sadie's age..." I can see Maddie at 20 months using her hands more and rolling, I can see Ceagan, at 7 months sitting unassisted, and I can see Camilla at 21 months participating in music therapy. And these give me hope for Sadie. But I also see Abbe's mom smiling and playing with her during centers. And I hear Aaliyah's mom talk aout all the new therapy equipment they just got that they're excited to try. I see the joy and love Camilla's mom showers onto everybody because Camilla is her SECOND kid who's been through the program. And these moms give me hope for myself.
Once it was brought up that we could all get together outside of Friday mornings and let our kids play while we talk, one mom spoke up with something I never expected to hear. She said she'd love to do something like this, but sometimes she feels bad that her child's only impairment is visual. She made it clear that nobody has ever made her feel this way, just sometimes she looks at her otherwise perfectly healthy, normal child and is sad for those of us dealing with multiple diagnoses. And after a number of other moms spoke about this and gave their perspectives, I put in my two cents worth.
I told them that I've had my share of jealousy, especially when I go to the grocery store, but that I have never felt jealous of anybody at Friday program. I told them that I love hearing about the things their children are doing or the great things the doctor told them, and it doesn't feel like they're rubbing anything in, because someday I hope it's me talking about those same great things. When I hear it, it gives me hope because I think that if your child can do it, so can mine! I told them that despite your childs impairment, we're all in the same "club" and we've all got our issues to deal with whether it's just a visual impairment or it's multiple life threatening diagnoses. There was a new mom and baby this morning and I spent much of music watching them (because Sadie and I were in the rocking chair napping instead of singing) and I was amazed at how much fun she was having and how well she was doing, and cute she is! And after learning her story that she is a surviving twin, born at 24 weeks with severe brain hemorrhaging, I was even more impressed. But she had a feeding tube, so I know it isn't all rainbows and unicorns in their lives either, so I'm not jealous...not even one bit.
Here's what it comes down to: None of us know what the future holds for our children whether they are perfectly normal and healthy or struggle with severe disabilities. It's just that those of us who have children with special needs might wear our worry more on the outside where everyone else can see it. As parents, we have to walk each day by faith, knowing that God has our children in His hands. And we have to know that no matter what our child may or may not be, it's still our responsibility to be the best parents we can. God gave us to our children because He knew we'd be the perfect parents for them. I also think that whatever the future holds, it's important to remember the good in our own child and instead of focusing on the car screaming and the constant bouncing. So I think about that Sadie can suck on a pacifier, she can sleep all night, and she has a beautiful smile that can light up a room. And that's really why I love the Friday program, because I see ALL of us parents doing exactly that.
Sometimes in the parent meeting there are guest speakers, sometimes we learn something related to a vision impairment, sometimes we just talk. Today, we talked. As we went around the table and told about our children and their diagnosis, we were supposed to share something we like about parent meetings and something we'd like to see more of (or less of). It was mentioned many times that we'd like to have some more time to just talk to each other. The thing about Friday mornings is that every minute is used for something. So, if want to just talk to Lara about how we found a respite person, I'd have to stand outside at the end, while both of us hold our children (mine usually screaming) and have the conversation there. It's not ideal.
Once this was brought up (by me, of course), lots of ideas were thrown out: having a shorter music time and a longer meeting, going until 11:15, starting a parent resource group on Facebook, or having a potluck day on a Saturday or something where we can come and just hang out and let our kids play. This last idea is what I want to talk about.
I love coming to The Foundation for Blind Children because there is so much diversity among children. Some only have a visual impairment and are otherwise developing normally, others are like Sadie and have multiple things going on, which usually stem from some kind of birth trauma. Going there was the first time I had really had the opportunity to be around other children with CP, to see how they acted, what their development was like, and to talk to their parents. I came looking for hope, and it's what I find every week when I go. Because Sadie is one of the youngest children who attend, I have the advantage of hearing other parents say, "if we had started when he/she was Sadie's age..." I can see Maddie at 20 months using her hands more and rolling, I can see Ceagan, at 7 months sitting unassisted, and I can see Camilla at 21 months participating in music therapy. And these give me hope for Sadie. But I also see Abbe's mom smiling and playing with her during centers. And I hear Aaliyah's mom talk aout all the new therapy equipment they just got that they're excited to try. I see the joy and love Camilla's mom showers onto everybody because Camilla is her SECOND kid who's been through the program. And these moms give me hope for myself.
Once it was brought up that we could all get together outside of Friday mornings and let our kids play while we talk, one mom spoke up with something I never expected to hear. She said she'd love to do something like this, but sometimes she feels bad that her child's only impairment is visual. She made it clear that nobody has ever made her feel this way, just sometimes she looks at her otherwise perfectly healthy, normal child and is sad for those of us dealing with multiple diagnoses. And after a number of other moms spoke about this and gave their perspectives, I put in my two cents worth.
I told them that I've had my share of jealousy, especially when I go to the grocery store, but that I have never felt jealous of anybody at Friday program. I told them that I love hearing about the things their children are doing or the great things the doctor told them, and it doesn't feel like they're rubbing anything in, because someday I hope it's me talking about those same great things. When I hear it, it gives me hope because I think that if your child can do it, so can mine! I told them that despite your childs impairment, we're all in the same "club" and we've all got our issues to deal with whether it's just a visual impairment or it's multiple life threatening diagnoses. There was a new mom and baby this morning and I spent much of music watching them (because Sadie and I were in the rocking chair napping instead of singing) and I was amazed at how much fun she was having and how well she was doing, and cute she is! And after learning her story that she is a surviving twin, born at 24 weeks with severe brain hemorrhaging, I was even more impressed. But she had a feeding tube, so I know it isn't all rainbows and unicorns in their lives either, so I'm not jealous...not even one bit.
Here's what it comes down to: None of us know what the future holds for our children whether they are perfectly normal and healthy or struggle with severe disabilities. It's just that those of us who have children with special needs might wear our worry more on the outside where everyone else can see it. As parents, we have to walk each day by faith, knowing that God has our children in His hands. And we have to know that no matter what our child may or may not be, it's still our responsibility to be the best parents we can. God gave us to our children because He knew we'd be the perfect parents for them. I also think that whatever the future holds, it's important to remember the good in our own child and instead of focusing on the car screaming and the constant bouncing. So I think about that Sadie can suck on a pacifier, she can sleep all night, and she has a beautiful smile that can light up a room. And that's really why I love the Friday program, because I see ALL of us parents doing exactly that.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
thou shalt not covet?
I'm back from vacation! Sorry to make myself scarce, but when there are actually other people around I don't sit at the computer all day!! Imagine that! I know we missed Sadie's Sunday picture, look for that later this week. Anyway, this is what's been on my heart this past weekend.
Most of us know all 10 commandments (or at least most of them) that are written in Exodus 20. And most of us are pretty good with them, because they follow our rules of society: don't steal, don't murder, obey your parents, etc. But what about the 10th commandment, thou shalt not covet? Do we generally find that one easy to follow also? Do the rules of society support this commandment like they do the others?
Most of us know all 10 commandments (or at least most of them) that are written in Exodus 20. And most of us are pretty good with them, because they follow our rules of society: don't steal, don't murder, obey your parents, etc. But what about the 10th commandment, thou shalt not covet? Do we generally find that one easy to follow also? Do the rules of society support this commandment like they do the others?
When translated from Hebrew to English, covet literally means, in the negative sense, to lust after. It means to have an unhealthy desire for something, particularly if it belongs to someone else. Coveting turns people into objects and objects into idols. Coveting involves envy - resenting the fact that others have what you don't.
Man is covetous by nature. You know it's true, we always want what we can't have! Why else would we have to have commandments that say don't steal and don't murder. Those actions are often the end result of coveting something or someone. Even the dictionary defines coveting as exceeding reasonable limits of craving what another person has. Coveting is at the heart of many other things the Bible teaches us is wrong: jealousy, pay your taxes, don't be greedy, have patience, etc.
Coveting has always kind of been hard for me to understand. I've experienced wanting something someone else has, or even wanting to be like someone else, but it's never gone so far as causing me to commit a crime (remember David putting Uriah on the front lines of battle because of his covetousness for the man's wife, Bathsheba? That was some serious coveting!). Lately, however, I find myself looking around and coveting the other babies I see. It's not like I want those other babies. But when I see someone with a beautiful healthy babe, it's more like I covet that experience. I covet no dr. appointments, no car screaming, being able to sleep without 3+ hours of crying, and no seizure medication! I covet normal development, and knowing your child will be able to do everything they're supposed to at the right time. I covet normal head growth. And as I really examined my heart before taking communion this last weekend, I realized that this coveting I do could become a cancer to my soul if I'm not careful to keep it in check.
I don't believe this coveting will drive me to commit a crime, but if I don't watch it, it could really hurt my family. This coveting in my heart may lead to discontentment, which may lead to seeking contentment elsewhere, which could mean a lot of heartache and hurt before it's taken care of. I'd like to avoid that! So, before it's out of control, I will choose to keep my covetousness in check by reminding myself daily that I have a beautiful baby, who 23 weeks ago I was told would die. I need to find the GOOD things in this situation (and it's not like we're lacking in good things!) and focus on those. I need to quit making excuses or pretending things aren't there that really are. And I need to love my baby for who she is, not who she MIGHT have been if this or if that. Nobody is given a guarantee with their children, it's just the luck-of-the-draw.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Guest Blogger #1: Anna Lidbeck
My best friend, Anna, lives in Oregon and has been blessed with three little boys. She has seen many others' lives struck with random tragedy and never takes for granted how lucky she is that her kids are healthy and happy. Her heart is grand, and when seeing others in need, she will often give and give and give so that other people will be blessed. She recently has written something about bad things happening to people, namely children, and I asked her if she'd share it with my readers. I think it's important to 1. ask this question, and 2. deal with the answer, especially when your family has been struck with tragedy. I'm not in any way implying that I've completely gotten over what has happened to our family, however, I have done a lot of soul searching in an attempt to answer this question, and, like Anna, I've come up with one main thing: God is still God.
It's the age-old question. Why do bad things happen to good people? When faced with something bad happening to you or someone you love, I think that is a very normal question to ask. This weekend, a little boy at our church was diagnosed with Leukemia. His mom and I were pregnant at the same time when I was pregnant with Jack. When I heard the news, I was really shaken. I started crying. It's not fair. He's a vivacious, active, seemingly healthy 4 year old boy. How could this happen? A few months ago, my best friend had a beautiful baby girl, and because of oxygen deprivation at birth, suffers from brain damage. How could this happen? It's not fair. Another good friend of mine, suffered the loss of her baby girl in the womb a little over a year ago. I haven't been exempt from my own loss as well. Before the birth of Nathan, I suffered two miscarriages. One of which required an operation to remove the baby.
I've spent a lot of time in the past year and a half really thinking about what it means to balance faith with hurt and loss. What does it mean to "praise Him in the storm" as the song says? The common denominator in all my examples is children. When an innocent child is the one in pain, or the one that dies, it's a tough pill to swallow. I heard a perspective yesterday that made a lot of sense. Our minds see time in a completely different way than God does. Before the foundation of the earth, God had already seen the Lamb of God being slain. When I see a 90 year old man suffer from cancer and die, I think, "wow, what an amazing life he lived." When I hear a 4 year old has been diagnosed with cancer I think, "wow, he still has an amazing life to live. He's too young to go through this." God has already seen our lives. He already knows what is going to happen in our lives. In God's eyes, it has already happened. Does it make the pain any easier? I don't know yet, but I do know that it was a good reminder of God's sovereignty.
I'll never forget when I had the operation to remove the baby. It was a very traumatizing experience. On the drive home that evening from the hospital, I was very emotional. I was crying in the car and Jack was a little upset by it. He asked me why I was crying. I told him that I was sad that the baby had died. To this day, his response brings tears to my eyes. He said, "Is the baby in heaven?" I said, "yes Jack." He said, "Didn't you say heaven is a good place?" Of course, I said" yes Jack, heaven is a wonderful place." He then said, "then why are you crying?" I know that life isn't always that simple.
Sometimes it isn't comforting to hear the standard "they are in a better place." But I know this much. God's Word IS truth. He has told us many things about suffering and loss. It is not my place to question his authority. It is my place to say "God, I don't understand. But You are still God. You are still on the throne. I WILL still praise You."
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