Recently my cousin, who had a hard time conceiving, got pregnant...and then miscarried. And she blogged through the whole thing, she is still grieving and blogging, and probably will for a while as I imagine it'll take a while to completely heal from the experience. But, as I read through her posts about what she lost and what she was so looking forward to that she will now not get to experience, I couldn't help thinking of my own experience. I am not here to say that one situation is worse than another or even that I totally know how it feels to lose a baby, but I can relate to her when she asks, "how can I ever enjoy pregnancy ever again???"
We are looking forward to having more kids, in fact we want 2 more. But next summer when we hopefully are able to conceive again, it will be a fine line between excitement and fear. For 9 months I will constantly think about the mommies I know with 2 speshy kids, I will probably have nightmares about the NICU, and I hope I have an excellent midwife who is patient with my paranoia, because I may call every 2 days in fear of less movement. I will not ignore any little sign ever again or count it as "all in my head." A mother does know when something's wrong, and I have learned to rely much more on my instincts since I've had Sadie.
I read what my cousin wrote about feeling like she couldn't get excited, or walk the aisles of the baby store until she is 9 months pregnant and knows she'll get to keep her baby. But I know that even if you carry that baby longer than 9 months there is no guarantee that you will get to keep him/her. I don't know if my next child will have anything of his/her own until after he/she is born. I don't think I could face again coming home each night from the NICU and facing an empty nursery that might not ever have a baby in it.
Some of my "friends" that I've connected with via the internet who have babies the same age as Sadie and also experienced an HIE experience are starting to get pregnant again. It's scary knowing that we're all high risk now. It's scary knowing that we could experience the same thing all over again. It's scary thinking about our one kid who already is high-maintenance and then adding a baby to the mix. The whole thing is scary. And I'm not sure it will be enjoyable at all for me.
But it's nice to know that I'm not alone. And Jesica, neither are you.
If you want to read about Jesica and her experience, you can visit her blog by clicking here.