Heaven-what will it be like?

I've been thinking a lot about Heaven these past almost 2 years. More than I ever thought about Heaven before.

Growing up as a Christian and always being active in the church and youth group and Youth for Christ, of course I'd thought about Heaven. I mean, Heaven was a wonderful place you go after you die, where all the imperfections of Earth are made perfect. No more pain, no more death, no more suffering. Sounds wonderful, right? Sounds like a good incentive for believing in Christ, right? But, even though I understood Heaven, it wasn't in my heart like it is now.

My grandparents didn't die until I was in college, so growing up I wasn't all that familiar with death. Except for a friend I grew up with who killed himself in 10th grade, I hadn't really lost anyone that I loved, or even knew. I remember when Jeff died, going to his funeral with all my other classmates, I wasn't sad. I knew about Heaven, crying was selfish, it just meant that I was sad for myself because I would never see him again. But even that isn't truth if you believe in Heaven, if I believed that Jeff is in Heaven. Because, when I get there I'll see him again.

Death is a concept I've never really wrapped my head around. The idea that someone is gone forever is so strange to me. Like I said, I don't really have a lot of experience with death, so the idea of never seeing someone ever again is hard for me to really grasp. But it could also be that because I know about Heaven. I know that if that someone who died is also a believer, that I WILL see him/her again. It's like my earthly brain is wrestling with my Heavenly soul, and when I think about it all things start spinning.

Life isn't fair. It's because there is right and wrong. It's because there is a God and a Devil. It's because we have a choice to do the right thing or not. And I hate it. I've always struggled with the reality that life isn't fair. Someone once told me that I struggle so much with it because of my deep desire for Heaven. Because I have Christ in me and have been created for something better; Heaven. I long for fairness deep down somewhere in my soul, somewhere maybe I can't even identify.

And now that I have Sadie Heaven means more to me than just seeing my grandparents, or my uncle, or even Jeff, who died when we were in High School. To me, the idea of perfect bodies and an end to suffering means Sadie will be able to walk and talk and play like she wants to. It means that she won't be in pain because she has reflux or her tummy hurts or her brain can't process where she is in space. There will be no more rocking all day long. There will be no more wheelchairs. There will be no more screaming in the car.

So, I think about Heaven now. I think about it a lot. I long for Heaven like I never have before. And, even though I long for Heaven in my heart and in my soul, I know that there is still reason for me to be here on Earth. So, I continue to find my little pieces of Heaven, my little blessings, in my daily life.

I can only imagine...

Heaven is on my heart today. We attended the first "infant program" at Foundation for Blind Children today. And as I looked around and participated in singing and playing and rejoicing with other moms, I couldn't help wishing none of us had to be there. But at the same time, I felt so grateful and so thankful that we all WERE there...such conflicting emotions.

This program consists of some activities, some music therapy, then a break while parents get to have a meeting BY THEMSELVES. Since today was the first day of the new "school year" we just went around and did introductions. I cried. I was crying before it was my turn. In fact, I cried on the way there in the car...and all the way home. Some days are harder than others, and today was a hard one. But I wasn't the only one who cried, and I felt like I was in good company. I was surrounded by other parents who deal with the same things and struggle with the same emotions.

As we got in the car to leave, I turned on the radio (to drown out the screaming) and the song "I can only imagine" was playing (by Mercy Me). That's when I lost it. The song is all about how he misses his father who passed away and he can't wait to get to heaven to see him again. Totally sad to begin with. But then I started really thinking about Heaven and what it is. I started imagining what it'll be like to see my baby made whole, in body and brain. What an amazing thing to hope for.

Don't get me wrong, I love Sadie the way she is, but there's nothing I want more for her than to be healed, to be whole, to be out of pain and suffering. And not just for her, but for me. When I thought about getting pregnant and having children, having a child like Sadie was my biggest fear. The idea of working so hard for development, of changing my life so drastically, of NEVER having an empty nest, was the scariest thing I could imagine. And here I am, living it. And yet I know this is NOT how God intended it to be, this is a consequence of living in a fallen world full of sin. This is nobody's fault. So, when I think about how it SHOULD be, I can't help but think about Heaven. A place where I will get to dance and sing and laugh with my complete and whole child who has no disabilities.

Right now she's looking at me with this goofy, happy look on her face while tears run from my eyes and I can just imagine her saying, "why are you so sad mama? I'm here and I'm alright, you should be happy!" You know how people say that when they have children it's amazing to realize how much they could actually love another person. For me, I look at my baby and I am amazed at how much she loves me. I am the best person she knows (besides Daddy, of course), and she loves me unconditionally. Even when I wish she was whole, even when I cry over what she SHOULD have been, even when I think about Heaven. She loves me so much that no matter where I am in the room, when she hears my voice she turns to find me. She loves me so much that she sleeps better up against my body. She loves me so much that she knows how to nurse and she falls asleep in my arms, and she's comforted by me best.

I have no idea what Sadie will be. I don't know what she'll be able to do and not do. I don't know if she'll ever read a book or ride a bike or play on the monkey bars. But I do know she'll be loved, and know that someday when she gets to Heaven she'll be able to do anything she wants!! For now, I can only imagine.