Heaven is on my heart today. We attended the first "infant program" at Foundation for Blind Children today. And as I looked around and participated in singing and playing and rejoicing with other moms, I couldn't help wishing none of us had to be there. But at the same time, I felt so grateful and so thankful that we all WERE there...such conflicting emotions.
This program consists of some activities, some music therapy, then a break while parents get to have a meeting BY THEMSELVES. Since today was the first day of the new "school year" we just went around and did introductions. I cried. I was crying before it was my turn. In fact, I cried on the way there in the car...and all the way home. Some days are harder than others, and today was a hard one. But I wasn't the only one who cried, and I felt like I was in good company. I was surrounded by other parents who deal with the same things and struggle with the same emotions.
As we got in the car to leave, I turned on the radio (to drown out the screaming) and the song "I can only imagine" was playing (by Mercy Me). That's when I lost it. The song is all about how he misses his father who passed away and he can't wait to get to heaven to see him again. Totally sad to begin with. But then I started really thinking about Heaven and what it is. I started imagining what it'll be like to see my baby made whole, in body and brain. What an amazing thing to hope for.
Don't get me wrong, I love Sadie the way she is, but there's nothing I want more for her than to be healed, to be whole, to be out of pain and suffering. And not just for her, but for me. When I thought about getting pregnant and having children, having a child like Sadie was my biggest fear. The idea of working so hard for development, of changing my life so drastically, of NEVER having an empty nest, was the scariest thing I could imagine. And here I am, living it. And yet I know this is NOT how God intended it to be, this is a consequence of living in a fallen world full of sin. This is nobody's fault. So, when I think about how it SHOULD be, I can't help but think about Heaven. A place where I will get to dance and sing and laugh with my complete and whole child who has no disabilities.
Right now she's looking at me with this goofy, happy look on her face while tears run from my eyes and I can just imagine her saying, "why are you so sad mama? I'm here and I'm alright, you should be happy!" You know how people say that when they have children it's amazing to realize how much they could actually love another person. For me, I look at my baby and I am amazed at how much she loves me. I am the best person she knows (besides Daddy, of course), and she loves me unconditionally. Even when I wish she was whole, even when I cry over what she SHOULD have been, even when I think about Heaven. She loves me so much that no matter where I am in the room, when she hears my voice she turns to find me. She loves me so much that she sleeps better up against my body. She loves me so much that she knows how to nurse and she falls asleep in my arms, and she's comforted by me best.
I have no idea what Sadie will be. I don't know what she'll be able to do and not do. I don't know if she'll ever read a book or ride a bike or play on the monkey bars. But I do know she'll be loved, and know that someday when she gets to Heaven she'll be able to do anything she wants!! For now, I can only imagine.