Growing up as a Christian and always being active in the church and youth group and Youth for Christ, of course I'd thought about Heaven. I mean, Heaven was a wonderful place you go after you die, where all the imperfections of Earth are made perfect. No more pain, no more death, no more suffering. Sounds wonderful, right? Sounds like a good incentive for believing in Christ, right? But, even though I understood Heaven, it wasn't in my heart like it is now.
My grandparents didn't die until I was in college, so growing up I wasn't all that familiar with death. Except for a friend I grew up with who killed himself in 10th grade, I hadn't really lost anyone that I loved, or even knew. I remember when Jeff died, going to his funeral with all my other classmates, I wasn't sad. I knew about Heaven, crying was selfish, it just meant that I was sad for myself because I would never see him again. But even that isn't truth if you believe in Heaven, if I believed that Jeff is in Heaven. Because, when I get there I'll see him again.
Death is a concept I've never really wrapped my head around. The idea that someone is gone forever is so strange to me. Like I said, I don't really have a lot of experience with death, so the idea of never seeing someone ever again is hard for me to really grasp. But it could also be that because I know about Heaven. I know that if that someone who died is also a believer, that I WILL see him/her again. It's like my earthly brain is wrestling with my Heavenly soul, and when I think about it all things start spinning.
Life isn't fair. It's because there is right and wrong. It's because there is a God and a Devil. It's because we have a choice to do the right thing or not. And I hate it. I've always struggled with the reality that life isn't fair. Someone once told me that I struggle so much with it because of my deep desire for Heaven. Because I have Christ in me and have been created for something better; Heaven. I long for fairness deep down somewhere in my soul, somewhere maybe I can't even identify.
And now that I have Sadie Heaven means more to me than just seeing my grandparents, or my uncle, or even Jeff, who died when we were in High School. To me, the idea of perfect bodies and an end to suffering means Sadie will be able to walk and talk and play like she wants to. It means that she won't be in pain because she has reflux or her tummy hurts or her brain can't process where she is in space. There will be no more rocking all day long. There will be no more wheelchairs. There will be no more screaming in the car.
So, I think about Heaven now. I think about it a lot. I long for Heaven like I never have before. And, even though I long for Heaven in my heart and in my soul, I know that there is still reason for me to be here on Earth. So, I continue to find my little pieces of Heaven, my little blessings, in my daily life.