Saturday, February 19, 2011

Long Time No See

So, I know I haven't written here in a long time. I had this goal at the beginning of the year (no, not a New Year's Resolution) that I was going to write 5 posts a week, yeah right. My job has taken over my life. I didn't realize how much of my day Sadie took up until somebody else started demanding that time. But I like my job, and I'm not complaining or excusing myself, just explaining.

Some of you might say, "it's online school, how much is there really to do?" A lot actually. For priding themselves in allowing a "flexible" schedule there is sure a lot of my week that isn't flexible! I have meetings and live classes, and I have to make phone calls and chase down the kids who aren't working. Then there's the flexible part...grading and creating powerpoint presentations for the live classes. This usually gets pushed farther and farther down my to do list and then I end up working all evening...which I don't mind doing, but then bloging doesn't happen, and Brian gets bored, and things don't get cleaned. But a lot of my day I get to spend with Sadie, so I'm busy, but not unhappy.

I have all these blog-post ideas in my head that I want to write about, and I often draft something in my head while I'm out running, but by the time I walk through the door it's like everyone needs me and is so relieved I'm home that I quickly become engrossed in "mommy duties." And then I forget what I was going to write about.

Tonight, however, I'm feeling like a bad mommy, like a failure. And no matter how many times Brian tells me I'm not, I still feel like one. So, I need to write about it. Sadie needs to gain weight, that's what we were told at her 12 month appt (which I don't think I even wrote about!!!) so I have been working so hard to get her to eat. I am tracking her food, I am counting her calories, I am doing everything in my power to get her to eat 3-4 times a day, and it's a lot of responsibility. I am the one who prepares her food. I am the one who feeds her. I am the one who has to take her back to the dr. and be there when they weigh her and have the conversation about seeing a G.I. dr. And ultimately I am the one that will take her to more dr. appts. And I will probably be the one they tell first when they say she's going to need a feeding tube. So, when she doesn't eat enough, or, like tonight, when I force 1 or 2 bites too many and she pukes it all up, I feel the weight of that, and I feel like it's my fault, and I feel like I've failed as a mother.

It's not as often, but sometimes I do still wonder what life would be like with a normal baby. I'll probably always wonder, not so much anymore because I wish things were different, but because I just have no idea what that would be like. I read my friends' facebook posts about going to the science center, or taking first steps. I see pictures of first smiles and sitting and crawling, and sleping, and I wonder if they read my posts and think what it would be like if they were me. Probably not. I doubt they realize how badly I want what they have. I want to take Sadie to playgrounds and splash pads. I want to watch her learn how to crawl and sit and eventually walk. I want to brag about the yummy cookies we baked together or the cupcakes we decorated. I want to show off her craft projects, and write about the funny things she says and does. And I think I'll get all this...I'm just still wading through the muck of unknown, seeing all those posts is like being 10 years old and watching someone else open all my Christmas presents, but knowing I have to wait until next year before I get them.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I guess that we've come a long ways, and I don't wish to go back. This has been hard. And I'm sure in another year I will look back again and say the same thing. Does it get easier? Will the car screaming ever stop? Will eating continue to always be a struggle? When will she sit up? When will she stand? Will her vision ever be good enough that she can enjoy the movies or the science center or the playground? Nothing is guraunteed, and sometimes I don't feel strong enough for that reality.

Right now I guess I need to just live in the present. It's good to reflect on the past to remember how far we've come, but as for the future, I should probably just let it come as it will. So for now I will continue to live vicariously through my friends on facebook, holding tight to those dreams I have of doing the things they do. And right now I will be happy that Sadie doesn't need a feeding tube. And I will rejoice in the fact that I have a job that I like and I work with awesome people. And I will do my best to blog more often.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Christy! Just wanted to send u a verbal hug! I too am where u are at as far as the eating goes. And the being needed almost constantly. And the feeling like its a reflection of me and my mommy skills, or lack thereof, that is to blame. Eating is, and always has been, one of Kaden's biggest issues. My ped keeps telling ME to calm down about it, that we're far from a feeding tube, but its like this dark specter always in my peripheral vision that i just KNOW is out to get us. Dramatic, i know, but the feeling is there. You're not alone. :)