Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Sadie I want to keep forever

When I'm up with Sadie for hours in the middle of the night (like I am right now), I wonder if she'll go back to sleeping all night, or if it's going to be like it used to be. When Sadie was really little, I used to spend 3-4 hours every night sitting up with her. I watched a lot of Netflix, but I was pretty much a zombie all day the next day. I could barely function. It was unsafe for me to drive. There were a couple of times I'd be in the car going somewhere I'd been a hundred times before, but all of the sudden the scenery looked different and I couldn't remember how I'd gotten to where I was. It was a little scary.

The other day I was talking to a friend about Sadie growing up and how exciting it's been to see how far she's come already. And I told her how everybody always said, "enjoy her while she's little, 'cause you'll miss that when she's big." I told my friend that nobody could pay me enough to relive those days! I don't miss them at all! No sleep, never a break, holding Sadie all way do I miss that!

Is that sad that Sadie's tiny-baby memories are so full of negative emotion? Maybe for you it's sad, but for me that's just the way it is. I don't feel sad about it at all, I just feel glad that we're through it and (fingers crossed that tonight is just a weird one-time thing) we never have to go back!

I feel like this Sadie I have right now (when she sleeps through the night) is the Sadie I want to keep forever. She is suspended somewhere between babyhood and toddlerhood, she's such a big girl in a lot of ways, but also still such a baby. She's getting big and somewhat independent (meaning she doesn't need ME all day), but she still nurses and she still fits in the tub with me, and those are my favorite times together. This is the Sadie I will miss as she gets older.

I am so glad we've made it this far. When we think about our family 6-8 months ago we never could even comprehend Sadie sleeping all night, let alone in her own room!! And eating so much food? We still don't see a light at the end of the car screaming tunnel, but having come so far in so many other areas, I have hope that we'll get there. And some day we'll take sleeping through the night for granted...maybe.

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