Thursday, October 18, 2012

It's not fair

It's amazing what Ezra's brain allows him to do at 1 week old that Sadie's brain still has trouble with after 2.5 years.  It makes me sad all over again.  Emotions that I thought I dealt with and pieces of the past I thought I had let go are all of the sudden coming back.  I don't know whether to be sad or angry or defeated.

Every once in a while, someone who reads this blog writes me a big, long email and tells me their story...about their kids and their experience, and often about the emotions they've also experienced or are currently experiencing.  I got one of these recently and she mentioned in her email that having another kid, who didn't experience brain damage, made her angry at the brain damage.  I think that's a good way to describe it.

There is nobody to blame for what happened to Sadie, therefore there has never been a target for my frustration and anger and sadness over what happened to her.  And since she was my first baby, I had no idea what I actually missed out on.  But, now I'm realizing what it is supposed to be like when you have a baby.

And I'm angry at the brain damage.

Ezra sleeps in his own bed.  He can hold his head up and use his hands to put in his mouth, and soon to hold on to things and grab things.  He's a fierce nurser.  And even though he gets mad in the car, he can settle himself down.

It's not fair.

It'll never be fair.

Things that are so hard for Sadie, or that Sadie will never do come so easily, so naturally, to other babies/children.  And she doesn't realize it now, but there will come a day when she realizes that she's different.  And I'm sure my other children will ask, even if she can't.  And I have no idea what I will say, except that life just isn't fair.

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