I'm going through another one of those rough patches in my grieving. Do you ever stop grieving for what you've lost? Or does it just come in waves? Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what our life might be like if Sadie had been born typical. I think it's because I have Ezra now and my vision is clearer, my eyes have been opened to the world of a typically developing child. And it's not like I love Sadie any less, but I wish she could play with her brother, and I wish she could run around the house squealing and singing songs, and I wish I could look at her and wonder who she's going to marry someday and how many children she'll have. You see, these are the things I wonder when I look at Ezra.
This morning we went for a walk as a family and I told Brian that now that we have Ezra, I can see what our life might have been like if Sadie wasn't the way she is. I told him that I feel almost like we have MUCH MORE this way. I don't know if I'd have a job that I love so much working from home. And I don't know if we'd be living in a new house at all, let alone this house in this neighborhood that I am really growing fond of. And I know for sure that some of the most treasured and special people in my life wouldn't even exist.
Sadie is such a pretty and happy and sweet child. She is so amazing in all that she does. But I fear for her. I fear that her bones are developing incorrectly, and that her muscles are atrophying, and that my lack of consistency with patching her eye and putting on her glasses is going to result in surgery. I worry a lot over this little child of mine, and I wonder if it's more than I would if she were normal. But the thing is, when she looks at me with that smile, when she hears my voice and reacts, when I can make her giggle, none of it matters. Because she's my child and I would do anything for her, I would do everything for her. I DO do everything for her. And at the end of the day, none of the what-ifs matter, because this is the family God has blessed me with, and this is the family that I love and that I serve.
This video has been passed around Facebook this weekend. I started crying when she sang the first line. I think it's just what my heart needed reminding. It's all worthwhile when it's my child.