A letter to Sadie, my big girl

Dear Sadie,

You are the light of my life.  I never imagined that I could love one little person as much as I love you.  I can't kiss you enough, I can't squeeze you tight enough, I never get sick of looking at your pretty little face or running my fingers through your luscious curly red hair.  And it makes me so happy to see you turning into such a big girl.

When you were born, I was sad.  Things didn't happen like I expected.  I didn't want you to be in pain.  I wanted things to be easy and normal, but they weren't.

Then as you got older I was overwhelmed.  You screamed in the car, you didn't sleep, your tummy hurt, you hated to be put down, you needed to be rocked and bounced day and night.  You were a lot of work.  You were still in pain somewhere and you couldn't tell me what hurt.  You couldn't tell me what you needed, and I was sad that I didn't always know.

Then you started getting teeth and that hurt even more.  You would wake up at night and cry in pain and there was nothing I could do for you to make it stop.  When you love somebody as much as I love you, it hurts when you see them hurt, especially when you feel helpless to help them.

But now you're two and you've suddenly turned into a big girl.  You sleep all night, you're happy all day, you clearly communicate when you're unhappy without losing control.  You ride in the car without screaming, and you are content "playing" with your toys by yourself while Mommy takes a nap.  You don't need to be rocked all day.  Your tummy doesn't hurt anymore.  And even though you're still getting those molars, you seem to be able to manage your own pain better.

You are fun to be around.  You are learning so much and I love your big smile when you realize you've found something you like.

Some people might look at you and think you're imperfect because your brain doesn't work the same as theirs, but when I look at you I see the perfect little girl that God meant for me and Daddy to have.  I used to wish you were different, that you didn't have the special needs that you have, but now I know better. You were made especially for me, I was meant to be your mommy, and you were meant to be the child that made me a mommy.

I have learned so much from you already in your short life.  I've learned to be strong and not give up.  I've learned that if something hurts or you need help, keep telling people until you get that need met.  I've learned that it's okay to ask for help when you need it, and to find enjoyment in even the smallest achievements.  Your life has opened my eyes to a whole new world that I didn't even know existed and I have met amazing and wonderful doctors, therapists, and other special needs moms because of you, people I now can't imagine our life without.

I used to wonder what life would be like if you weren't born the way you were, but now I don't even think about it.  I don't want you to be different.  You are my little blessing just the way you are.

As you grow up, don't ever let anybody make you feel inadequate, or like you're less than enough.  You are just the way God made you, and God doesn't make mistakes.  And you can do whatever you want to do.  You can be as independent as you want to be.  Don't ever let anyone make you feel ugly.  You are one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen (and I'm not just saying that because I'm your mom), and your pure heart and your innocence only make you more beautiful.  Don't ever let anyone make you feel stupid.  You are smart.  It doesn't matter if you can't walk or can't talk or you don't eat like other people do, those are not reflections of your intelligence.  I know that that brain is working hard right now to learn and that if you could, you'd talk my ear off.  Someday we'll find a way to help you express yourself and then I won't be the only person that can understand when you tell me you love me.

I can't wait to see you grow up even more.  I can't wait for you to reveal more about your personality, to see what kind of big sister you're going to be, to learn how independent you can be.  I can't wait for you to "find your voice."  I can't wait to see where your talents lie.  I am eager to see you do things that we've dreamed of since you were born.

I love you so much, my big girl.  I know that you know that, and I hope that you never forget it.

Love,
Mommy



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