Yesterday I went to WalMart. Iused to love WalMart...when I lived in Eugene. But there's something about a big city that causes all the riff raff to come out of the wood-work. And they all seem to shop at WalMart. Come on, you've seen those websites of the ridiculous pictures of people taken with camera phones at WalMart. I don't go to WalMart anymore...except that the closest branch of our bank is in the WalMart that is about 2 miles away from our house. So yesterday I went to WalMart.
I don't know if it had to do with the emotions of the week and Sadie's birthday and sad memories, but I started looking at those snotty grungy low-income kids all running around their mom in the motorized wheelchair and I started grieving again for what my child isn't. The thoughts of "it's not fair" started creeping back in. But then it hit me: what in the world would that woman, who can't even walk well enough to get herself around WalMart, do with a baby like Sadie?! And all of the sudden my perspective changed. I realized that it's not about how I got the raw end of the deal, but about what Sadie got out of it.
Sadie got two parents who love her and accept her the way she is. We have the energy to deal with her irritability and her insomnia. We have the means to support ourselves and all of Sadie's needs. We have the intelligence to ask the right questions and find the right people. And we have the support of family and friends who love her even without ever meeting her (or us). All of that isn't fair either...but not in the same way.
So yeah, I still struggle a little with jealousy that my kid can't really use her hands, doesn't self feed, and is nowhere near moving independently from one place to another. But I am thankful that God gave Sadie to us and not someone who couldn't handle her or maybe wouldn't love her as much. And probably for the first time in however many years I've lived in Phoenix, I walked away from WalMart feeling satisfied with my experience there